Beware of the Narcissist!
A Narcissist will never and does not truly love you. They do not form normal, healthy attachment bonds to anyone, including their children. A narcissist will devalue criticize, blame and belittle you. They are cunning. They will deny any wrong doing ever took place. Any attempt at conflict resolution is scoffed at and deemed unnecessary as it is your fault in the first place. There is no room for negotiation when you receive the blame and are regularly told that you are being difficult, stupid, and ridiculous.
A Narcissist doesn’t understand the word NO and will consistently violate your boundaries. No matter how strong or how much you stand your ground, they will try to undermine, demean, criticize you and all areas of your life! A Narcissist will try to make you look like the crazy one at all costs.They are obsessional and envious. They like control at all costs. They even will go to great lengths to isolate you from friends, family and other sources of support that could possibly challenge their ‘authority’. They like to play god yet lack compassion as they don’t have an empathy barometer.
Breaking up or divorcing one is not an easy matter, especially if you have children with them. Narcissists are like psychological parasites eating away at your grey matter. It can take years to shake the feeling ‘of being mind fucked’. They are predatory and charm you during the early part of a relationship to see what makes you tick so they can manipulate you later on. They are supremely attentive to your vulnerability and fears. You can naively mistake ‘intensity’ for real love. They like to learn what causes you the most hurt, to manipulate or try and control you with it later on. When they can’t control you they rage at you and/or your children.
When you walk away from a Narcissist and remember, sometimes these people are your partners, parents, co-workers and bosses; you will need to be gentle and give yourself time, and it may well take years but you will do it, to weave through all the lies and the abuse. You have to learn to forgive yourself.l You will have to practice loving yourself until you do. You will have to rebuild and piece together your self-esteem, self-worth and rediscover who you are.
In spiritual circles the ‘victim’ mentality is shamed upon. It isn’t like anyone signs up happily on the dotted line for the Narcissistic experience. Child abuse and much of our early education actually overpowers and undermines the innocence of the ‘child’. Sharing ones story still in many circles if frowned upon. Sometimes i think this whole enlightenment gig is set up by a bunch of Narcissists! Like Religion its used to undermine the individual will rather than support it. One has to be supremely careful as empowerment is about gaining and maintaing strength, building courage and self determination.
If we blame karma we are not taking control back. If keep letting people tell us to get over ourselves and our stories which do need to be shared in order to foster compassion and true community, we squash another human beings confidence and right to be heard! Be authentic but don’t tell your truth! Be of the light whilst the denial eats away at your organs!
Self love is so important and vital in the recovery process. The guilt that you have allowed to a point through the reinforcement by your ‘adult’ Narcissistic tormentor, is the glue that needs dissolving in order for you to experience autonomy and freedom. It takes courage to shift the mindset and realise that the threats are used to try and control you. I have had experienced threats personally. Its frightening and when your children are involved, the big play card, you will do anything as a mother to protect their life. Threats on your life are serious and this does indeed happen, sadly. You need to seek professional advice.
Taking back your power means changing your mind set. Not easy when you have been living in trauma and constant ‘fear flight response’. It will and does take time to heal and nurse the wounds. Once your attitude changes, so too will your actions you will begin to understand that the threats, taunts and insults of your Narcissistic tormentor are only significant if you allow it.
I work with a lot of women and even men, who have woken up going how on earth did this happen? Who are actively engaged in moving on and letting go and trying to find ways in which to share children with. Spirituality is not all sunshine and lollipops, as my daughter once said. Wise words because if it was we would miss the moon shining in the darkness lighting the silvery way forward. Soul recovery is often done in the still quiet space within, and once you find it you don’t every want to leave it. You realise that your sacred place, even though someone has defiled it after you innocently shared it is your own.
We should stop raising our girls to be ‘good’ and raise them to honour and cherish whats sacred inside and to them. To be authentic is to feel as well a be real.
“ Stop allowing anyone or anything to control, limit, repress, or discourage you from being your true self! Today is YOURS to shape – own it – break free from people and things that poison or dilute your spirit.” – Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
For more information on how to empower yourself please contact me.